Sticky Fingers!So how are those New Year’s resolutions holding out then? Have you indeed dropped a jean size or did those nasty marketing men from Nestle tempt you in? If any of you have bothered to stroll into the Kit Kat website you’ll have no doubt realised I’m wearing my charitable head this time round, I’m letting other people have most of my prizes. Yes I know, how I was overlooked in the latest Honours List is a source of complete bewilderment to me too.
I did try to work up a head of steam but events seemed to conspire against me from the outset. One of them could only happen to the living, breathing disaster that is yours truly and by a bizarre coincidence it was KK inspired. Remember that gleaming, four wheeled example of engineering genius I won last year, well I got a letter from the manufacturers saying the brakes didn’t work. Yep, there was a safety recall and I had to take it back in. Now I tried to explain to them that there are several things I never use on a car, namely the ash tray, mirrors and most of the pedals. But they insisted the warranty would be invalid if I didn’t let them have a tinker so my Kit Kat buying spree came to an abrupt halt.
I’d already had a spot of bother in the supermarket when somebody wanted to get served before me just because they’d joined the queue first. Now I don’t know whether it’s the parents, schools or possibly the policeman on the beat. But I’ve definitely detected an increasing lack of reverence these days towards pro-compers. I simply haven’t got time to be waiting my turn when I’ve got a trolley full of 500-pointers that need stripping and inputting. It wasn’t always like this. Just a few years back I used to go shopping with a couple of seven foot three mates who boxed at the Atlanta Olympics and we never got a moments dissent. Something’s changed.
Now I know people claim nostalgia aint what it used to be, but I look back to last year with a tear in my eye. I know Smid has done rather well out of similar promotions on Coca Cola and Cadburys Crème Eggs, but I was far too young to get involved in those promotions. Oh, alright then, I was working away at the time and knew nothing about them. So Kit Kash I was my first opportunity to really let the spendaholic within me burst out and boy did I intend to take advantage.
I think the first thing you have to do on a competition of this magnitude is set a budget and have absolutely no intention of sticking to it. If you’re going to get involved with half an eye on the mortgage, the gas bill and the kids’ dinner money then you better be ready to read my ultra smug postcards from Palm Town. Dawn might not necessarily have agreed with my strategy consistently during the Kit Kash campaign, but “See it, swipe it” was an approach towards cash that truly paid dividends.
Many was the time a debt collector would come to the door and all she had to offer them was three mint fingers and an orange 12 pack. Dear me, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with trying to hit the Bid button twenty five times in the last second, there in the background was the unmistakable sound of a violent scuffle. You don’t see me whacking the living daylights out of somebody when Dawn is on QuizCall. Oh no, double standards is the name-of-the-game for you lady compers!
Having said that the real nastiness used to take place once I got to Tesco. The famed Tone 16 wheel articulated trolley with air bags and anti-lock brakes admittedly wasn’t ideal when the place was crowded. But you’d think people would have a bit more patience when you’re trying to execute a three point turn near the chocolate Digestives. Come on, it wasn’t as if I hadn’t already cordoned the area off. As for the reaction at the checkout, talk about a pointless question. “Would you like help with your packing Sir” ? I would say 700 packets of Kit Kats and a tin of corned beef suggests YES. But they’re only doing their job after all and there’s no need for rudeness or sarcasm. I’d simply say, “Well I guess a fork lift truck wouldn’t go amiss and if the Tesco tug-of-war team isn’t too busy …………”
One aspect of my manic confectionary buying spree both intrigued and worried me, the reaction of my Credit Card company - there wasn’t one! They constantly tell us they do all they can to protect the innocent and employ the best people and technology to achieve this. One strategy they have is to identify a change in your spending habits.
Ah, I see. So all through December I’m in my local supermarket, once a week, stocking up with normal, run-of-the-mill provisions. Come January I decide I’ll shop four times a day, every day and buy nothing but chocolate bars. I leave Morrisons with 4,000 Kit Kats, their entire stock including what they had in the warehouse, go immediately to Somerfields and buy another 3,000. And that isn’t unusual !!
Mind you, I bought 14 packs of Always Maxi on MY Debit Card recently and that seems to have also gone unnoticed. What chance have they got of apprehending a plausible and experienced villain when they can’t flag up a choc obsessed, habitual shopper who’s recently had hormone therapy. Just watch, I’ll go in next week, do a totally conventional spend and get myself arrested. I can see the manager in the local paper, proudly posing with some fish fingers and pan scrubbers saying, “had him bang to rights. That CaTone fella is a total nutter and weirdo, he wouldn’t buy this stuff”. Damned with faint praise I think the expression is.
One of the prizes I won, or should I more accurately and modestly say bought cheaply, was a holiday to Barbados. The Sky Travel Team was supposed to do a 10 minute televised chat with my family and they said it would make for more interesting viewing if we had one or two humorous anecdotes to recount. Where do they get the “if we had” from, not to mention the “one or two” !! Considering we met a persistent Rastafarian foot masseur with tooth jewellery and a serious Rum problem the first morning, we might have managed the odd, extremely odd, yarn. And painting the hotel while it was full and not putting up any warnings certainly made for some quaint fashion statements among the guests.
I’m not sure this is what Sky had in mind though so maybe it was fortuitous that they cried off. They’re hardly likely to have holidays flying off the shelves if I tell viewers the hotel is in the middle of refurbishing the gents’ jackets and if you want the dining room, just follow the white footprints on the carpet. A very unique and interesting approach to customer relations though it has to be said.
And so to Kit Kash II. What wild and wonderful stories will unfold over the next few months? We’ve already had some lateral thinker winning, albeit very temporarily, a reverse auction with a bid of MINUS 999 billion give or take a wrapper or two. I’ve had a phone call from a guy who wants to part-ex his Ford Focus for the Tone Trolley so I know there are definitely people out there thinking on a mammoth scale.
I’ll reword my opening questions. Are you prepared to say stuff the New Years resolutions and go UP a jean size? Because that’s what it might take to join Kit Kat folklore. Believe me, I know.
Good luck all.
Al Catone
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